hard day

hi mommy,

today was a rough day! I've had so much fun with arash here and it was so nice to have him go everywhere with me! It was nice to have somebody to do things with that makes me smile and laugh all the time. But, he had to leave, and i'm super sad! It really sucked to come home to an empty and super cold apartment. I feel like it's even more cold because he's not here with me in it. I didn't realized how much we get along and how much I enjoy his company! We had a blast together and I wish he was still here.

At the same time, i realized that things may be different when I get home. Last night I asked him whats going to happen when I get home and he said nothing. So i asked what that meant and he said he doesn't know it's still 3 months away, a lot can change. I hope I cam just being a chick about things and over thinking it. But i feel like I'm being set up for things to not work the way I want them to. I like him a lot and I care a lot about him. I would be so devestated if when I got home things completely change. I think he cares about me and likes me. We had a disagreement when I was home and he was fighting to keep things going between us. So to me that means he wants to have something between us. But, is that a convenience thing? I know things may change over time, but I felt like that was a funny answer. It's a hard situation for us, because he makes me so happy and I think I make him happy. I don't think he would go to another country to visit a girl is she was just anyone, or was it easy for him to do? I don't know, I feel like I'm over thinking things but it's hard not to. I feel like I got an answer that is going to lead me to that path. He seems like he cares, but never says it. We don't discuss our emotions often, which is ok, no, because we aren't together. But I am the very verbal person on emotions. I want to tell others when I like or love them, when i'm happy or sad, or anything. And right now we don't do that. I feel like I tell him I miss him or something and all i get in return sometimes in "ditto". I tol him that doesn't mean the same thing the other day, we'll see if things change. I know he has lots on his plate, but as do I.

I'm also scared that I'm wasting my time. I'm 26 years old, almost 27 by time I get home. I'm going to start my masters program next year hopefully and be graduating by 30. I'd like to be having kids around then. I don't want to be an older mom. I'm scared that we have two different idea in mind. At times I feel like we are on completely the same wave length, while other times we are on the completely opposite. i feel like if he doesn't see us going places, then he should let me know and we should just leave things now. I just don't want to be wasting time anymore. I not looking for a husband now, but i'm not looking to waste my time on people that aren't possibilites, i'm only getting older.

Having him leave today, made me think if this was the last time we would be like this. Does he have other plans for us? It makes me wonder and I hate it. I think it sucks even more because the next two days I'm off and will be doing lots of thinking even if I don't want to. I'm super sad that he went ome today also instead of staying two more days. Maybe I'm just being a chick about this whole situation.

I was definately a chick when he left today though. Tears and all. I didn't know I cared so much about him and I'm so afraid of loosing him. I have so much fun with him and he makes me feel safe and always makes me smile. Time will only tell, but as you know I hate time and I'm not patient. T says I'm an all or nothing girl, and I couldn't agree more. But sometimes I feel like I'll opt for the nothing because I'm not patient enough to find out if I'll get the all. But time can only pass and comfort starts to grow. I don't want to be comfortable, I want to be happy!

I'm tired, so i'm hitting the sack, alone =( My first night in a little while sleeping lone ranger. It sucks, I'm sad. I can't wait to one day be married and always have somebody to sleep with and hold me at night. I love to share my life with others, I don't want to be alone forever, I'm scared that is what I'm going to be!

Love you!

Jenny