really?!?!

Hi Mommy,

Today in the office I was telling Josh about how I had a weird dream about you last night and how it's been a long time since I've had a dream about you. Frank decided to jump in and say unneccessary sexual things. Really?!?! I said my mom is dead and he kept on going? How can people be so ignorant? I don't understand, ok at the beginning he didn't know...maybe, however I find that difficult to believe because I talk about you all the time and how long it's been. But after I said you have passed he kept on going? I'm gonna rip him a new one...soon...just don't want to regret anything I say. I don't understand how people can be so stupid. Making sexual jokes as it is, is too much, especially in a country that doesn't understand them, but to do them as often as he does. Not neccessary. I will saw my peace, grow up 33 year old man, who has ABSOLUTELY nothing to account for.

On the lighter side...school is going well and I've been studying a lot! I have visitors coming in this weekend so I'm hoping to get a littl ahead on my studies. We are planning on going to Disneyland and Hakone! I can't wait!

I don't have that much time left here and I can't be more excited!!! Besides dealing with the douschebag that doesn't understand things, I'm ready to go home to my family. I have loved my adventure here and the people that I have met, but I'm tired of dealing with people like him. I work with him 4/5 days that I work so theres no getting away from him in our little school. We have been working on your relay for life and a girls outting! I can't wait!!!!

I gotta get back to studying, I love you!

Jenny

my first test!

MOMMY!

I took my first test in Medical Terminology today and I got 100%!!!! yeah I'm so proud! I'm motivated to do well in this class! I want to get at the lowest a 98%! I can do it! I learned a lot of this information from working with you and dad and Kaiser! I'm super excited!

I have to make sure I manage my time well and I'm able to go back and fourth between studying for Medical Terminology and the GRE. I think I have good multi-tasking skills because of you!

Also, Keina booked our trip for Okinawa today. We are going to fly there and stay for 3 days 2 nights. We get to go scuba diving one day, I'm nervous and scared to be in the ocean. It's a little more then I want to spend, about $400 but I'm only here once so I gotta do it. I am also thinking about going to Nijima island with a group that is close to here! It's gonna cost $250 for that trip. That's a lot of money on trips, but I'm on the end of my adventure in Japan and feel like I need to see all that I can. Keina and I are going to discuss it tomorrow. I'm excited that either way my golden week/spring break is coming together!!!

I know you would be proud of my test score!

I LOVE YOU!

~Your Baby Gril!

hard day

hi mommy,

today was a rough day! I've had so much fun with arash here and it was so nice to have him go everywhere with me! It was nice to have somebody to do things with that makes me smile and laugh all the time. But, he had to leave, and i'm super sad! It really sucked to come home to an empty and super cold apartment. I feel like it's even more cold because he's not here with me in it. I didn't realized how much we get along and how much I enjoy his company! We had a blast together and I wish he was still here.

At the same time, i realized that things may be different when I get home. Last night I asked him whats going to happen when I get home and he said nothing. So i asked what that meant and he said he doesn't know it's still 3 months away, a lot can change. I hope I cam just being a chick about things and over thinking it. But i feel like I'm being set up for things to not work the way I want them to. I like him a lot and I care a lot about him. I would be so devestated if when I got home things completely change. I think he cares about me and likes me. We had a disagreement when I was home and he was fighting to keep things going between us. So to me that means he wants to have something between us. But, is that a convenience thing? I know things may change over time, but I felt like that was a funny answer. It's a hard situation for us, because he makes me so happy and I think I make him happy. I don't think he would go to another country to visit a girl is she was just anyone, or was it easy for him to do? I don't know, I feel like I'm over thinking things but it's hard not to. I feel like I got an answer that is going to lead me to that path. He seems like he cares, but never says it. We don't discuss our emotions often, which is ok, no, because we aren't together. But I am the very verbal person on emotions. I want to tell others when I like or love them, when i'm happy or sad, or anything. And right now we don't do that. I feel like I tell him I miss him or something and all i get in return sometimes in "ditto". I tol him that doesn't mean the same thing the other day, we'll see if things change. I know he has lots on his plate, but as do I.

I'm also scared that I'm wasting my time. I'm 26 years old, almost 27 by time I get home. I'm going to start my masters program next year hopefully and be graduating by 30. I'd like to be having kids around then. I don't want to be an older mom. I'm scared that we have two different idea in mind. At times I feel like we are on completely the same wave length, while other times we are on the completely opposite. i feel like if he doesn't see us going places, then he should let me know and we should just leave things now. I just don't want to be wasting time anymore. I not looking for a husband now, but i'm not looking to waste my time on people that aren't possibilites, i'm only getting older.

Having him leave today, made me think if this was the last time we would be like this. Does he have other plans for us? It makes me wonder and I hate it. I think it sucks even more because the next two days I'm off and will be doing lots of thinking even if I don't want to. I'm super sad that he went ome today also instead of staying two more days. Maybe I'm just being a chick about this whole situation.

I was definately a chick when he left today though. Tears and all. I didn't know I cared so much about him and I'm so afraid of loosing him. I have so much fun with him and he makes me feel safe and always makes me smile. Time will only tell, but as you know I hate time and I'm not patient. T says I'm an all or nothing girl, and I couldn't agree more. But sometimes I feel like I'll opt for the nothing because I'm not patient enough to find out if I'll get the all. But time can only pass and comfort starts to grow. I don't want to be comfortable, I want to be happy!

I'm tired, so i'm hitting the sack, alone =( My first night in a little while sleeping lone ranger. It sucks, I'm sad. I can't wait to one day be married and always have somebody to sleep with and hold me at night. I love to share my life with others, I don't want to be alone forever, I'm scared that is what I'm going to be!

Love you!

Jenny

The last song

Dear mommy,

Today I finished the book. I couldn't put it down! Arash and I are in nikko today and it's a great little place! It's a small town with a bunch of shrines and tons of waterfalls. We saw tons of shrines today, tomorrow we r goin to the waterfalls. Remember when u were sick and u made ur crane out of the little papers? I saw one today and it reminded me of u! The house cleaner broke it, I want to put it back together again when I get home! My students and I also made Theresa 1000 cranes for when she had Ethan! It took kits of work, but it felt hood to finish them!

So this book, tear jerker! Maybe more for me because it reminded me o times with you when u had cancer. The dad in this book also has stomach cancer, he decided to do nyhjng about it and just live through it. It makes me wonder if u would have been more comfortable if we let u live through it instead of opting for surgery! The father in the boook also dies, it was so weird to read the book. So many similar emotions and motions they went through that we experienced. I know every situation is different, but it was almost comforting to know others went through this, and too hooves the things we noticed when u were fighting! 

It's crazy to think how fast this disease took u from us! Sometimes I think we r lucky that you didn't struggle and hurt long with it, and othertimes I am greedy and jealous that we couldn't keep you longer!

After wandering town today that started at 530 am, we headed back for a nap and snack. We r staying Ina ryokan which is a traditional Japanese house. It's a neat little place. Our nap was interrupted by somebody knocking. He made me get up for nothing! So I laid back down and started to read, not thinkig I would finish almost 200 pages now! I think I'm so lucky to have Arash bc when he saw me crying while reading he held me after I told him why. The simplist things he does are so comforting! It's scary at the sametime bc he is a lot of what I want.

In the book the girl is afraid of what's going to happen when they both retrn to their hometowns away from the boy she is dating in the book. I'm onthe oter end and afraid of what is going to happen when I get home. Living in japan we email and talk often enough to keep me happy. I know at home I need much more attention. I'm also planning on goig back to school and starting that stressful route of broke life and being in debt. I would love if he is along the road with me, but I'm afraid of the path ahead. I know I have a lot of work cut out and lots to work on. We have never discussed it, and I don't know if it's something we will discuss. As much as I want to discuss what we have I don't. I think we r stable in what we have and both confident in it. I never would have thought he would even really come out to visit me in japan, and here he is laying next to me in nikko on our own little vacation in japan! I think I'm a very lucky girl! I know time will tell, but like u I'm not patient!

Im gonna hit the sack, my eyes are swollen from crying from the book! I like that I'm writing to you here, others may think it's odd, but I feel like I'm sharing what I would with you if you were still here!

I love you and miss you!

Baby grill 

flying clothes

Dear Mommy,

I'm feeling much much better today! I slept a ton! I think my body may have been mad at me for pushing it to hard also. I think I got that from you! You would be so proud of my cooking now! I made yummy salmon for dinner! I've learned how to cook more for myself, since I'm out here and have nobody else to cook for me!

Also I did my laundry and it was so funny! I hung my clothes up and it was windy, but I didn't think it was horrible. Once minute I look out and my clothes are fine. The next I look and some are gone. The next minute anything on hangers were gone! It was so windy that all the hangers got knocked off the rod! I had to go downstairs and hunt for them. The area behind my apartment isn't big, but luckily everything was there! One of my shirts was on one of my neighbors laundry though. I tried to be real secretive about grabbing my shirt, but he looked at me real funny because he probably thought I was taking one of his boxers or something. But I found all my clothes! I'm not hanging clothes when it's windy anymore!

I'm reading a really good book called "The Last Song" and it's so good! It makes me cry a lot though. I've been so emotional lately and I don't know why. I even cried during Legally Blonde today. So crazy! I'm not homesick, but at the same time I am. I just miss my family, and you! It's crazy to me that I'm making these decisions and don't have you here to help me with it. i envy that Cathy had you and even Theresa had you to help guide them in the right direction. Sometimes I wish I too had you to help guide me. But because of you i'm going in the direction I am. So maybe you are guiding me this way still.

Tomorrow Arash gets here! I can't wait! I'm so excited! I know you would love him if you met him. He's coming for 9 days and I can't wait! Tomorrow we are either going to the city or karaoke around here. Either way, I can't wait to have him here. It's so surreal to me. He told me before he I left that he would come visit. I believed him, but I still had doubt in the back of my mind. I think he's an amazing man and it's surreal to me that things are still going on between us. I thought that things would be over between us by now. Not because he needed something else or I, but we didn't have a "title" before I left and we had a good beginning, but short. It wasn't like we drew out a commitment to each other and said what would happen while I"m away. But surprisingly I think things have worked out amazingly. We talk and email (text) often. I really just thought life would pull us apart, as it has with some people. Maybe not having the title has kept us strong while being away. None the less, I can't wait for him to come out here! I can't wait to show him around and how I've been living for the past 8 months!

Crazy to think 8 months have already past. Yes it has gone by fast at times, and other times slow. I am so happy I decided to do this now. It's exactly what I needed. I needed the time to get away and focus on me and figure out what I want. I know what I want now and I'm going to get it all! And I'm going to make you proud!

I love you mommy and miss you! I wish I could show you how I was living here also. Because of the strength you have given me in life, I am making it here. It get emotional at times, and at times it's hard. But the strength you have taught me and the woman you have shown how to be has made it easier. I know I can do anything, because of you!

Goodnight, I'm back to work tomorrow! For a day, then 4 off with Arash!

Love You!

Your Baby Grill

sick

Dear Mommy,

Today I'm not feeling great. I went to the doctor and he said I have a sinus infection or infection in my ear nose and throat. I've sat in my room most the day trying to keep busy. I watched a movie called Philidelphia. It was about a man who fights his old job because they descriminated against him because of his AIDS. It's not your type of movie but made me think of you. At the end of the movie he says, "I'm ready", before he falls alseep for the last time. The last time I saw you awake you told me "I love you". I'm so lucky I got to have that ending with you! I love you too!!

I've been working on getting my things together for graduate school! i think you would be very proud of me! I'm working very hard to get into school to be an occupational therapist. I think you would like this much better then Special Education. But the catch is that I still get to work with Special Education children! Your a big motivation for me to want to go into "OT" is what we call it for short. I think I could work with people well and want to help people get back onto their feet!

I love you!

Your Baby Grill!